season 2 // episode 5 // how can i have patience while I wait on God?
Show transcript:
I stood on the stage, microphone in hand, trembling. It was 1999, and I was attempting to recite Psalm 23 as part of a children’s musical at our church. My parents had been taking me to practice, and I was aware of my responsibility to memorize my part for the musical. But in my pride, I had it all figured out—who doesn’t know Psalm 23? I thought to myself, “It will come to me when I’m standing on stage, and all the words will just fall into place.” I’m sure you can guess how it went.
As the bright lights shone on my face and I fumbled through the psalm, filling in spaces with words I’m sure weren’t part of King David’s original message, the feelings were unmistakable. A sense of shame and embarrassment flooded my entire body as I thought to myself, “Well, I thought everyone knew Psalm 23. Everyone except me.”
This was not the first time I would feel ashamed of not meeting others’ expectations or fulfilling the roles and responsibilities of a Good Christian Girl, and it most assuredly wouldn’t be the last.
Fast forward about fifteen years, and that trembling girl on the stage with a microphone is now a young elementary school teacher on the verge of burnout, taking care of everyone but herself. On the outside, she looks great! She runs half marathons. She cooks healthy meals. She serves in her church. Her friends seek out her advice. Her students love her, and their parents are pleased. But inside, she is drowning. Something feels off, but she’s just not sure what it is. She is blind to the ways she has allowed her accomplishments and desire for the approval of others to define her life. And while some say ignorance is bliss, we know the opposite is true. Ignorance is a prison.
As a child, I darkened the doors of the church every time they were open. Sunday morning service, Sunday afternoon choir practice, Sunday evening service, and Wednesday evening activities were the markers of our week. Church was where I found my best friends and where I felt understood. It was where I learned about the Bible from incredible leaders and where I grew. I don’t remember a time without knowing who Jesus was. As an adult, I now understand what a rare and precious gift this is—to have grown up knowing that God is real and that He desires to be known by His creation, namely us.
I grew up in a relatively affluent area of metro-Atlanta, Georgia. Both of my parents are pharmacists who drilled the importance of education and hard work into my sister and I from a young age. The high school I attended rewarded high achievers, and I was one of them. Even with a GPA above 4.0 due to advanced placement and honors courses, I was just shy of ranking in the top ten percent of my graduating class. Learning in an environment in which you are constantly surrounded by excellent and brilliant minds can make you feel less than, even when you’re just enough as you are. My resume was filled with service clubs and honor societies, as well as years of playing the violin in the orchestra and foreign language courses. When I arrived at the University of Georgia in the fall of 2006, I was ecstatic about all of the amazing opportunities to be involved on campus. Everyone told me that I was embarking on the “best years of my life.”
I led a fairly sheltered life in high school, and while I had a good amount of extracurriculars on my resume, I wasn’t overcommitted because my parents didn’t want me to be constantly away from the house. In my freshman year of college, I had a voracious appetite to be able to do and see it all! No longer did I have Mom and Dad to reign me in and hold me back. I was free to do as I pleased!
It wasn’t long until I established a pattern. While each semester brought with it a new course load, I also had the opportunity to find new activities and things to fill my schedule—work and service and socializing. I remember finally reaching a point where I would call home crying because I was so overwhelmed. I had done it again—my eyes were bigger than my schedule and I was unable to keep up. How would I be able to do it all?
I didn’t know how to set boundaries and use time well. I was addicted to activity and doing things for the Lord. But was I really walking with Him? This self-proclaimed Good Christian Girl was always running on empty. It didn’t seem to make sense to me at the time. I was doing all of the right things for God—so why was I so tired? Wasn’t all of this activity supposed to fill me up and make me a better person? Wasn’t what I was doing making an impact on the kingdom of God?
When I entered into young adulthood, my expectations for myself were sky high. As an older child and self-proclaimed perfectionist, I’ve never been one to live life without expectations. Expectations and the illusion of control are my modus operandi. Our culture and the subculture of American Christianity, especially that of the Bible belt here in the Southeastern region, rewards good behavior. We want to see people doing well, and the appearance of health and wealth is often enough to appease us. But sometimes appearances can lie to us, can’t they?
Because our family made major moves a couple times within my childhood, there was sometimes an insecurity within my peer relationships as “the new girl.” I struggled with what others thought of me and desperately wanted to be liked, appreciated, and approved by others. This desire led me to make decisions that looked great on the outside, but on the inside robbed me of my peace and joy. I figured if I was the “yes girl,” I would be counted on as dependable and good. And who doesn’t want to be dependable and good?
As I filled my calendar with more activities, I left no margin for time to just be. The thought of a day with no plans made me feel as though I might break out in hives. I only felt secure if I were running around, chasing busyness, and ensuring that every moment had a clear purpose. Through my childhood, adolescence, and even into the early years of adulthood, my core motivation was to look like I had it all together. I didn’t want to be weak. I didn’t want to need help. I didn’t want to have to rely on anyone but myself to ensure that I got done what needed to be done. In my mind, as long as I was the Good Christian Girl, everything would be fine.
So who is this Good Christian Girl? Well, let me introduce you to her. The Good Christian Girl is always on time to church. She serves faithfully and encourages others. She is a participant of a Bible study and leads another. Her tithe is consistent. She does not curse—even when she’s really upset!—or drink alcohol, and her appearance is always clean, neat, and attractive, yet modest, of course. If the Lord has afforded her the privilege of being a wife and mother, she is the best at each of these roles. She cooks the most delicious and nutritious meals. Her friends seek her advice, and she is never lacking for wise words. All in all, she’s the ideal woman of God.
As you consider the unrealistic and sterilized ideal of the Good Christian Girl, think about how our expectations are often shattered when met with reality. No one can be perfect at everything. The fall of man brought with it the universal human struggle of frailty and weakness. None of us are perfect, but we oftentimes hold ourselves to impossibly high standards that are ripe for disappointment.
One woman of the Bible who knew the frailty and weakness of humanity well was Hagar. We first meet Hagar in Genesis 16. In the preceding chapter, we read of the incredible covenant between God and Abram, who will become Abraham. God comes to Abram in a vision and tells him not to fear. God then informs Abram of a mind-blowing plan to grow the nation of Israel though Abram’s offspring. But Abram and Sarai are elderly at this point, and Sarai has been barren for the whole of their married life. Thus, they understandably find it hard to believe that God will fulfill this promise.
Enter Hagar—a maidservant who is much younger and in her prime childbearing years. Sarai is tired of waiting for God to open her womb, and in her impatience instructs Abram to sleep with Hagar in an effort to bring forth an heir. This practice was commonplace at the time, but it wasn’t God’s best. Genesis 16:2 says, “And Sarai said to Abram, ‘Behold now, the LORD has prevented me from bearing children. Go in to my servant; it may be that I shall obtain children by her.’ And Abram listened to the voice of Sarai.” (emphasis mine)
Abram had been given a great gift through the revelation of God’s incredible plan for a covenant with mankind, yet in his doubt and weakness, he chose to listen to Sarai instead. Maybe you’ve been there, too? Perhaps God has given you a promise that you are struggling to believe that He will fulfill. Or maybe you don’t even know if what He said was true, because your circumstances say otherwise.
When Hagar does indeed conceive, Sarai finds herself eaten alive with jealousy and resentment, and she kicks her out of the house. Abram has washed his hands of the issue and feels as though he has no say in the matter, so he allows Sarai to bully Hagar in the name of “keeping the peace.”
Hagar runs off into the wilderness,no doubt feeling afraid, alone, and abandoned. In this place of vulnerability, the LORD meets her and begins to bind her wounds.
“The angel of the Lord found her by a spring of water in the wilderness, the spring on the way to Shur. And he said, “Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?” She said, “I am fleeing from my mistress Sarai.” The angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress and submit to her.” The angel of the Lord also said to her, “I will surely multiply your offspring so that they cannot be numbered for multitude.” So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are a God of seeing,” for she said, “Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.”” - Genesis 16:7-10, 13 ESV
Hagar ran to the wilderness, searching for solace and relief from the unrelenting torment of living in a home where she was being used and abused. Sarai’s words spoke death over her, even as she carried a new life within her womb. Abram’s misuse of her and his unwillingness to fight for her innocence and maintain a proper relationship with her had to leave her feeling worthless and invisible to others and to God. However, verse 7 tells us the angel found her by a spring of water. A wilderness is often characterized by its barrenness and the lacking signs of life. But at this spring, God met her and gave her new life as He spoke words of truth over her.
Have you ever been tempted to take matters into your own hands when the waiting seemed unbearable? Maybe you've forced or manipulated situations to make them go your way. Maybe you've sown seeds in all the wrong places in order to get attention from a potential suitor who really wasn't God's best for you. Maybe you've questioned God's goodness because life just seemed too hard and complicated.
In the midst of Hagar and Sarai's awfully dramatic relationship, God was there. When all hope seemed lost and the plan blew up in everyone's faces, God was there. When Sarai's manipulation proved unsuccessful and when Hagar doubted her worth, God was there. Sarai saw Hagar as an inconvenience and as competition, but God saw Hagar as beloved. He knew everything that was going on in her mind, and He loved her too much to leave her in the midst of the heartache. The angel of the Lord not only spoke directly to Hagar, he gave her the courage she needed to go back and face the woman who had cast her out. I can only imagine what God taught Hagar through her sorrow and how He used her boldness and courage to encourage Sarai to look to Him for her provision. A common thread is woven through this story as we watch the characters make decisions rooted not in truth, but rather in lies. When we do the same, we jeopardize God's peace in our lives and invite the enemy of our souls to wreak havoc within and around us.
When Hagar was at the end of herself, she turned to God and called Him El Roi, meaning “the God who sees me.” This may sound elementary—of course God sees us; He is omniscient. But consider the deeper meaning of her heart’s cry. When Hagar said, “You are the God who sees me,” she is expressing her deepest desire—to be seen and known. Throughout the mistreatment she endured at the hands of Sarai and Abram, Hagar was invisible. Her needs and wants were cast aside for the manipulative plans of her masters. And her heart was broken, collateral damage in the process.
Who do you relate to in this story? Perhaps you’re more like Sarai, scheming and planning to get your way, no matter the cost. It may not show through outright manipulation, but you try to order your life so that everything will go as planned. Or maybe you’re more like Hagar, and people have knowingly or unknowingly used you as a pawn in their plans, not interested in who you are as a person, but rather what you can give them. Have you found yourself feeling invisible to God when things didn’t go your way?
Well friend, there is hope for you! God is so patient with us— He doesn’t give us what we want when we think we want it, but rather He gives us what we need exactly when we need it. We can trust Him to be who He says He is and do what He says He will do.
When will it be my turn? That’s the question I repeatedly asked myself as I watched friend after friend walk down the aisle to her happily ever after. I wondered if something was wrong with me and thought that I would never find my one true love.But friends, God taught me that His love is greater. He taught me that waiting is not a curse, but a gift. He showed me that the source of my value is not in my marital status. And in this unwanted and lingering season of singleness, He did not leave me. In fact, He was right there all along. Parts of this episode were shared from my book Already Chosen: Loving Your Life in the Midst of Longing. You can read it to find out more about how to trust God in the midst of a wait.
Scripture:
Psalm 23
Genesis 16
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