Season 1//episode 2: MY story, part 2
Hi friends, and welcome to the Fullness of Joy podcast. I’m your host, Jessica Mathisen. Here at the Fullness of Joy, we talk about hard things in light of the Gospel. We encourage our hearts by reminding ourselves of the truth, day in and day out. I pray this encourages your heart and that you’re challenged to know Christ more deeply as a result. I’m so glad you’re here.
By October 2014, I was quite content. I had come to terms with my singleness and was not allowing it to define me. I was blessed to have many amazing friends and a family who loved me unconditionally, and I had been working at my dream job for about three months. Maybe a month prior, I texted my best friend Teresa to tell her that I might lose it if ONE MORE PERSON GOT ENGAGED. But a little while after that, I got myself together, and I recall telling another friend that I was excited and anxious for my love to come along (hopefully sooner rather than later) but that he would "mess up my flow" (Insert crying laughing emoji here!). My routine was busy and I had a lot going on, and I liked it that way. There were a few little conversations with potential suitors on eHarmony, but nothing ever came to fruition. There were a few guys I talked with for a little bit, but dates were never the result. I admit, I was getting a little discouraged. I mean, I had gone shopping and had a few new pieces that I hoped would be great date items!
One October day, I was on eHarmony and came across a new profile. The user was 28 years old and was in Athens, Georgia! And he seemed normal! Imagine my surprise when I clicked through his profile and found we had a lot in common. I sent him a "wink" and hoped I might hear back soon. Sure enough, we began talking through the steps of guided communication eHarmony provides for its users. Even online, I could see that this guy was different, and it seemed as though we clicked (pun intended). I told my mom and a few friends that I was talking to a "normal, nice, and cute guy" on eHarmony and hoped we would meet one day soon.
Side note here, y'all. Friends, eHarmony has lots of fun little settings that you can toy with to help your chances of finding someone with whom to connect. I had played around with my geographic settings way too many times, and when I stumbled across this cute guy's profile in Athens, Georgia, I am pretty sure that my settings were NATIONWIDE. I had a couple friends who met their significant other on eHarmony, and the guy moved to the girl's city! At this point, I was ready for anything and hoping for everything, and God was up to something I couldn't fathom or imagine on my own.
After about two weeks of talking online, this "normal, nice, and cute guy" named Rory asked if we could take the next step. I flipped the mess out and danced around my room, thrilled that he wanted to meet me in person. Being the inquisitive person that I am (read: stalker), I looked him up on Facebook and after some digging, saw that he attended my church. He called on a Monday evening and asked if we could go to dinner the next night, to which I gladly agreed (Also, can we just give him props for asking me out to dinner on the first date instead of coffee? We both don't even drink coffee anyways, but you get me. Boy has class. I digress.). He also confirmed my suspicions — we went to the same church but had never met. How's that for a God thing?
On October 14, 2014, I came home from school and tried to calm myself down, praying the weather would follow suit. When I pulled into my spot, a couple minutes later, Rory pulled up next to me. We both got out of the car and then walked to the restaurant together. Little did I know that my life would be forever changed because of that first meeting.
I remember being so worried about whether or not Rory and I would have anything to talk about on our first date. Of course, I had told a few of my friends and my family about him, so there were a handful of people who knew that we would be meeting that evening. My phone buzzed with well wishes when I was on the way, and then I put it on "Do Not Disturb" mode so that I would not be distracted throughout the evening. After writing back and forth for two weeks about most of the topics covered on a first date, I wondered if we would have much to say to each other. Did we already say everything that could be said?! Much to my surprise, Rory and I did not lack for conversation topics; in fact, we talked for almost two and a half hours. We covered several different topics — our jobs, our families, our interests, our dreams — the conversation definitely flowed! I made our goodbye a little awkward when I went in for a full hug, but he was gracious about it and didn't hold it against me.
After our first date, I was pretty smitten with Rory. I wanted so badly to talk to him and see him again. I was so interested in his life and his story; I wanted to know everything about him! He was so kind and gentle, and there was a quiet and strong confidence about him that was so attractive and endearing to me. We started texting a little bit throughout the week, and then that weekend I ran the Athens half marathon (my last half marathon since meeting him, #goodbyerunning) and had many other social engagements. Rory promised he would check in and see when we could meet up again, and I knew he would be true to his word.
Rory and I were able to go on a few more dates before I took a trip to Colorado to see some of my dearest friends from Mexico. I remember being so excited to see them and to talk with Lisa, my friend and mentor, about him, but also so sad to leave him because I was truly enjoying getting to know him. While I was away, I missed him terribly. I remember feeling a physical longing to be where he was. It was so strange, and I actually wondered what was wrong with me! I read my friend Gretchen Saffles' book A God-Sized Love Story on the plane on the way there and cried and prayed for this exciting new possibility.
When I returned home from my trip to Colorado, Rory was sick with a cold. I was disappointed to have to wait to see him, but when he got better, we pretty much became inseparable. We went on fun dates around our town - trying new restaurants, taking lots of walks, and talking. Always talking. In November, I was able to meet his sister and her husband, and we finally had the dreaded "DTR" conversation. It was time to Define The Relationship. I had been hoping and praying I wouldn't have to bring it up, but I just really wanted some clarity. In my heart I knew that he was made for me, but I didn't have any way of knowing what his true thoughts and feelings were for me. We were on our way to his sister's house for a Friends-giving meal, and I thought to myself, It's now or never! So I turned to him in the car and said, "So when we get to your sister's house, how are you going to introduce me? I mean, am I your friend or your girlfriend?"
Rory didn't skip a beat and said, "I mean, I consider you my girlfriend. Is that okay with you?"
"Is that okay? I already know I'm going to marry you, boy!" I replied.
Okay, so I didn't really say that, but something close to that was running through my mind! I quickly agreed, and I remember thinking (with joy) how weird it was that I could finally say I had a boyfriend! After that, I think I had a perma-grin. Nobody could wipe the smile off of my face! Right before Thanksgiving, Rory was able to meet my students. Prior to this, we talked with one another about the elephant in the room — the fact that he is white and I am black. One night, we went to the UGA intramural fields to hang out, but it was so cold that we ended up in his car just talking. There was a lull in conversation, and then he said to me, "So, how do your parents feel about the fact that you're dating a white guy?"
I replied, "Oh, they don't care. As long as you love Jesus. What do your parents say?"
"Oh, my parents don't mind," he stated with confidence. "My mom has always wanted mixed grandchildren."
So. There you have it, folks. He was already talking about our children! We were in this thing for the long haul, and we hadn't even said, "I love you!"
I absolutely could not believe what was happening to me. Everything I had prayed about for years was finally coming to fruition, and it almost seemed too good to be true. And it was all happening so fast. In the span of two short months, I had met the man I was going to marry and we had declared our love for each other. I wanted to slow down time and bottle up every single precious moment.
Rory and I had been planning a trip to the beach for about a month. We were watching Parks and Recreation one night, and the episode where Andy and April spontaneously drive to the Grand Canyon and camp out in their inspired us. Obviously we can't drive to the Grand Canyon too easily from Athens, but nevertheless, we were inspired. We have a bucket list to which we're always adding adventures we want to have-places we want to go and things we want to do. So the beach trip to see the sunrise was going to check off one our sights-either Charleston or Savannah.
As the day got closer, I just had this feeling that Rory would propose on that day. I knew that when we went, it would be days away from our six month anniversary. We talked about when we wanted to get married and how we wanted a short engagement. We had gone ring shopping...all the signs were pointing to a proposal on that special day. I told my mom what I was thinking, but I didn't tell anyone else for fear of being wrong. All throughout the week, people asked me if I thought I knew when he would propose, but I didn't tell anyone what I hoped would happen on Saturday morning.
On Friday night, we both went to bed around eight o'clock. It felt so strange to go to bed anticipating that I would be getting up in the middle of the night. I had packed a little bag with a change of clothes and road trip snacks, and I was ready. A little after one in the morning, I got up (I hadn't really been sleeping anyways) and pulled on my yoga pants and my "prophetic shirt," which reads, THE BEST IS YET TO COME. :)
Ror came and picked me up around two in the morning, and we were on our way. The ride down was easy and smooth; we talked and listened to music and comedians to keep us awake. I took a little nap and continued to pray that the weather would stay nice and not get yucky so that we could have a good day. We got to Tybee Island around 6:30 in the morning, just in time for the sunrise at 7:00. Ror had a little gym bag that he brought with him to the beach, and I was hoping that there was a little something special in there for me. He had mentioned that he had some surprises for the morning...
We got to the beach and put our things down on a swing. He opened up as his gym bag, and he had a sweet surprise- Chinese lanterns. We talked about how we wanted to include them in our wedding but won't be able to, so we lit them that morning and watched them float away above the ocean. After we watched the lanterns drift until we could no longer see them, we took our blanket down closer to the water and laid down for a little bit.
At this point, I was hoping for and expecting the proposal, but I so badly did not want to be wrong. I was staring out at the ocean, just praying that the Lord would help me to have a good attitude if it didn't happen that day and to enjoy the special trip we took together. After what seemed like an eternity, Rory sat up and told me that he had a special gift for our six month anniversary, even though it was a few days away. Of course I told him I wanted it right then. He pulled a stack of journals out of his bag, and in my mind, I thought, "Oh my. Where's the ring? I hope we didn't drive for four hours for him to give me journals. I mean I love journals, but seriously?!"
I pretty much put them aside and looked at him expectantly, and then he asked me to actually look
inside
one of the journals. And that's when the mini freak-out commenced. He had made the sweetest scrapbook entitled "Our Firsts" that had pictures and dates of all our milestones- first date, first road trip, first kiss, etc. And on the very last page, it said..."Engagement Day" with that day's date (which just happens to be exactly three months from our wedding day). In the back of the journal, Rory had glued all of the pages together and then carved out a hole where he put the ring on a string. I was floored and so taken aback by his thoughtfulness and creativity, knowing that it doesn't come naturally to him to get crafty. Plus I was freaking out and wanted to see the ring. Ha. As soon as I saw it, I just kept saying "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!"
Rory took the ring out of the journal and said a bunch of sweet and wonderful things, and then he asked me to marry him. I enthusiastically said "Yes, yes, yes!" and kissed him, and then we sat and stared at the ring together. Right after he asked, the sun started to peek through the clouds, and we took it as a sign that the Lord was pleased with our upcoming nuptials. I called my parents, and he texted his. Everyone was super excited and knew it was coming. This all happened before eight in the morning, so it was quite the day. I was so excited and wanted to tell the world, but we spent the day together by going to breakfast and seeing special places around Savannah before getting in touch with all of our friends.
Friends, I must confess to you it was immensely difficult for me to stand firm during this season. So much so that I questioned whether or not I was making the right decision. No one talks about how you wonder if you truly love the person you're going to marry. No one talks about the fears that present themselves when you're making the single most important decision of your life. The enemy is very cunning, my friends. He wants to twist anything that God has said is good. He wants to take the truth of God's word and use it against you. He does not want you to walk in wholeness.
No matter how much I struggled or how far I strayed, by running past boundaries or hurting people close to me, God never stopped pursuing me. So even in the midst of fear, I knew that Rory was the man God had for me. In the midst of fear, I knew that God had been preparing me through my whole life for such a time as this. In the midst of fear, I knew that God was still going to shine brightly, regardless of my anxieties, hang-ups, and failures.
One of my sweet mentors said to me once, "You're married, and you love your husband, but he's not enough. You're still caught up in waiting for your fairy tale, and Jesus is the real fairy tale. He's not too good to be true. He's real and loves you." I cannot allow my love for Rory to supersede my love for God, nor can he do the same with his love for me. We cannot put each other on pedestals and hang all of our hopes and dreams on each other. When I was single, I thought that when my Prince Charming came, he would rescue me from all the hurt and pain I had kept locked away for so long. This hurt and pain was from various life circumstances common to many of us, and I had not fully processed and dealt with it in a healthy way. It turns out my Prince Charming, while handsome and sweet as the day is long, can only do so much. And honestly, having him actually complicates things and can make life harder, because all my junk is exposed. But that's where the true life is found. Fighting through the brokenness is how we've become closer and how God's love has shone in, through, and around us. We spend so much time trying to cover up our brokenness or sweep it under the rug. But God wants to take our brokenness and make us new. He wants to make us gold.
While we were engaged, I realized that I had not actually dealt with so many of the issues that I was struggling with as a child. The abuse I had suffered and other difficulties had been covered up, and these things were starting to come out. I began seeing a therapist for the first time in my life. After we got married, I was a part of a Christian support group that was hosted through my church by an incredibly dear woman named Margo. I credit her with getting me through the first year of marriage. Many say that the first year of marriage is hard, and I think we all know some of the running jokes as to why it can be difficult. But for me, it was an extremely hard transition. Moving from being single for all of my life and having had very few friends who knew all of my story and truly understood me to living with someone who knew all of me and I couldn’t hide from made me vulnerable and exposed. If there was something wrong with me, he could read it on my face. And we had to talk about it.
Rory jokes that during our first year of marriage, he was just fine and dandy, but I was struggling greatly. I thank the Lord for that struggle, though, because it afforded me a marriage built upon the rock of Christ and a true friendship. But it also showed me the incredible value of unconditional love.
In the almost eight years that we have been married, we have been through so much. We have walked through depression, infertility, foster care, adoption, job loss, death, fractured relationships, a move, financial insecurity, and so much more. But through the years, we have seen that God is faithful. We have known Him to be true to His Word. And as He has sustained us with His lovingkindness, we have learned to rejoice in all circumstances.
The Lord has used our marriage to refine us and sanctify us, but it has also been a refuge and safe place for us when it felt like the rest of our lives were completely shattered and falling apart. For me personally, the Lord has used our marriage and the last several years to help the roots of my childhood faith grow deeper and mature into a flourishing tree that has weathered many storms. I give thanks for all He has done for me.
I don’t know where you are today. This episode was longer than most will be, but I wanted to share from a place of vulnerability by letting you know that you are not alone. We will walk through the Word of God together as we tackle the hard things and find that in these things, we can still have the fullness of joy. I’ll talk to you next week, friends.
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